Let me just begin by educating you about the Self-Portrait setting on your iPhone – in case you didn’t know, there is an exceptionally obvious button in the top right corner of the iPhone camera screen. Upon pressing this button, the camera in your precious iPhone will take photos from the face of the phone instead of the back! So if you ever feel so inclined to take a selfy because of your amazing hair day that just so happened to occur the second you jumped out of bed (How crazy is that? I bet that NEVER happens to you!), just press that button and it works sublimely.
However, I am aware that many of you know about that tool on the iPhone and yet you still insist on the taking the photo in the mirror. Not to make assumptions, but I think I can pretty much assume that you are trying to show off your super great iPhone. But really, what are trying to prove? I hope you realize that having an iPhone does NOT make you cool. I have an iPhone and I can whole-heartedly assure you that I am not in the least bit cool. So stop showing off your iPhone for all of Facebook to see – we do not care. Oh, and please don’t hashtag “Team iPhone”. We care about that even less.
Now to all the emaciated fourteen-year-old boys whose iPhone mirror selfys trade out a shirt for a flat-brimmed baseball cap that is barely placed on your overly gelled hair – you need to realize that your abdomen region is not featuring a six-pack. Those are ribs, not muscles. Put some clothes on and try taking a picture with some other people. It looks much more attractive – trust me, I was a fourteen-year-old girl once. Do the members of One Direction take shirtless mirror pictures? No. Do the members of One Direction have the ability to win the hearts and virginities of most teenage girls in Western society? Yes.
Speaking of fourteen-year-old girls, you ladies also have a few lessons to learn. For one, remember when you were little and people would be like, “Smile and say ‘cheese’!” before you took pictures? That was the best advice you were ever given – take it. (The cheese part is flexible). When you make disgusted faces, you do not look as pretty as when you smile. Moreover, you look like a bitch. When you make ducky faces, you look like a fourteen-year-old girl in the early 2000s on MySpace. Nobody wants to look like that. Secondly, if you need to include self-deprecating captions on every photo you put on Facebook in order to fish for compliments in a most painfully obvious way, you really need to reevaluate your life. I know that middle school is tough and you’re probably suffering from self-esteem issues – again, I was a fourteen-year-old girl once too. Try doing something awesome like volunteering or babysitting or being nice to a classmate and maybe you will get compliments naturally. Or maybe you won’t, but at least you will still have your pride.
Finally, to all the married women out there taking iPhone mirror pictures – get a life, a job, or a hobby. Hell, even go watch reality TV or read Fifty Shades of Grey before you take an iPhone featured mirror picture and post it to Facebook. Just please, do something.
And just remember – the Self-Portrait button is in the top right corner of the camera tool if you need to fulfill your selfy craving. At least make yourself the center of attention instead of your iPhone.
In your best interest,
P.S. For the visual learners: